Stupid Ways to Pay for Retirement

We all know that Americans not prepared for retirement. In fact, GoBankingRates estimates 64% of Americans have less than $10,000 saved for retirement.

We at Lists of Doom will pretend to help with a bullshit listicle that will be of no help whatsoever to anybody. That way we can laugh at the retirement crisis.

Note: if you have a solution to the retirement crisis please call U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-California) and U.S. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky). Our sources in Washington D.C., tell us those two have no idea what to do about the retirement crisis.

Some Stupid Ways to Prepare for Retirement include:

  • Buy all the Publisher’s Clearing House magazine subscriptions and hope that Steve Harvey shows up on your door with the $7,000 a week for life thing. Note: our study of the shrinking number of magazine subscribers shows this plan is more realistic than you might think.
  • Buy gold. It could make you rich if they hold hyperinflation. If there is no hyperinflation you will lose your money.
  • Buy lotto tickets and pray to Jesus. Hey, the advice is from a country song so we know it is sound.
  • Pray that automation does not kill all the jobs at Walmart (NYSE: WMT) and Amazon (NASDAQ: AMZN) before you retire.
  • Hope that McDonald’s (NYSE: MCD) does not replace all of its workers with robots before you retire.
  • Hope that they cure aging before you hit retirement age.
  • Cryogenically freeze yourself until the 22nd Century to see if Star Trek comes true so you will no longer need money.
  • Smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, overeat, and don’t exercise. That way you can die before retirement age.
  • Found a cult. That way your followers will care for you in your old age.
  • Get elected to Congress that way you can have a high-paying job with great benefits until you die and do nothing. Don’t believe this, just ask Nancy Pelosi the last time she did any work.
  • Hang out with the Rolling Stones. Our sources tell us Mick Jagger knows the secret of immortality but he won’t share it with anybody besides politicians.
  • Become a superhero. They never seem to get old or die. Don’t believe us just ask Batman he’s looked 35 since 1939.
  • Pray the politicians fix Social Security before you reach retirement age. Note: political scientists tell us the pray to Jesus and play the lotto advice is more realistic.
  • Ask Elon Musk to transfer your mind into a computer. That way you will not need to worry about retirement because you’ll be digital.
  • Work until you die. Our research indicates that this the retirement strategy most Americans will employ.
  • Keep voting for Andrew Yang and pray he gets in and implements a basic income.

So yes folks a prosperous retirement is possible. If you become a billionaire. As for the rest of us, we’re screwed.