Market Mad House

In individuals, insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule. Friedrich Nietzsche


Nine Things Mitch McConnell Plans to do if Trump is Reelected

A secret list of things U.S. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) plans to do after President Donald J. Trump’s (R-Florida) reelection has surfaced.

An anonymous source leaked this list to Lists of Doom for an exclusive story. Okay, we made this bullshit up but the anonymous source nonsense sounds better.

Mitch McConnell’s 2021 Legislative Agenda includes:

  • Lower the bar for federal judicial appointments further. The Constitution does not require a law degree or bar membership for the judiciary. Therefore, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Jerry Falwell Jr. (R-Virginia) sounds like a great idea.
  • Make publicly discussing the possibility that Climate Change is real a federal crime. Okay, that pesky First Amendment thing will get in the way but coal industry lobbyists will love it.
  • Make it illegal to spend federal funds on climate change research.
  • Ban electric cars, wind turbines, and solar panels. They’re a waste of money and a threat to Big Coal.
  • Finally invade Iran.
  • Make it illegal for black people and Hispanics to vote.
  • Expand Second Amendment Rights so ordinary Americans can buy heavy artillery, landmines, drones, robot tanks, missile launchers, and Gatling Guns. Average people need those weapons for home defense. Besides, the body count from mass shootings is not high enough.
  • Completely abolish all federal regulatory agencies such as the EPA. We need to make America safe for big business.
  • Change the Senate rules to give every billionaire on Earth a direct connection to each U.S. Senator’s smartphone. The connection will include a fast payment feature so billionaires can send cash straight to Senators’ offshore bank accounts.
  • Increase the Defense Advanced Research Projects Research Agency’s (DARPA) budget so it can develop a clone army to conquer the world. Once the Clone Army is ready, McConnell can reveal his true status as a Sith Lord and declare himself Emperor of the World.

Note: it will be a miracle if McConnell returns to Washington in 2021 because he has a 50% disapproval rating back home in Kentucky. However, Republicans can dream.